Dear Scholastic and Lego Corporations,
I think I speak for all of us when I ask, can you both
please just stick to your own product lines and stop trying to team up?
Lego, I’ve got some heartburn with you folks on a number of
fronts, but let me focus on Scholastic first. Books. That’s what a publisher
makes. I think you guys have forgotten that, so I just wanted to remind you.
Don’t get me wrong, I want to thank you for continuing your
long tradition of school book fairs. You guys help raise a lot of money for our
school each year, and we’re very appreciative. What we’re not super excited
about, however, is all the extra crap you send along for the “book” fair. If I
didn’t know any better, I would think it was a poster and toy fair that
happened to have a few books.
My son doesn’t need an eraser that looks like a calculator. I
was told at the beginning of the school year that kids don’t need to spell
words on paper anymore, or figure out the actual answer to math problems
anymore, so he really doesn’t need an eraser or a calculator, let alone a
strange hybrid sold to him by a book manufacturer.
He also doesn’t need a poster of all the NFL helmets. He
might want one, and I might consider buying him one, but I don’t want to do it
at a BOOK fair. Same goes for plastic sharks on a stick, bouncy balls, and
pictures of pop stars. I mean, Justin Bieber, Scholastic? Seriously? That kid
wouldn’t know what a book was if I hit him in the face with it, which I would
definitely do if given the chance.
Again, I think I speak for all of us elementary school
parents when I say, the only non-book item we really need to see at a book fair
is a bookmark. And we think those should be free, as God intended.
Now let’s talk about your new hybrid books, which is where
Lego comes in. Son Number Three wouldn’t get off my leg at this year’s book
fair about the Lego book he wanted me to buy him. Lo and behold, this “book”
had a big clear plastic bubble built into the cover containing an actual Lego guy.
OK, so now I know why he wants it... Let’s see what the
inside of the book has to offer... Oh, I see. For ten bucks I get this little
Lego guy, plus a forty-page book apparently written by the Lego CIA, giving me
the dossier on twenty different Lego guys, all of whom happen to be on Lego TV
shows that Lego no doubt wants my son to watch.
The red ninja guy
wears red all the time. He is on a TV show. His swords are sharp, and his head
is yellow, even though you can’t see it under his red ninja guy ninja head wrap
thing. He is awesome on the TV show. He likes sushi and running on the beach.
You should stop reading this “book” and watch his TV show.
Hmm... Phenomenal content, Scholastic and Lego, but I think
I’ll pass.
And, before you jump down my throat, Scholastic, I know Lego
isn’t the only one responsible for hybrid books. We also saw books that
contained shark teeth, and books that had plastic military dog tags. Son Number
Three wanted all those books, too. That doesn’t make it better.
But, Lego, you guys have been on my list for a while, so I’m
using this latest Scholastic book fair as a jumping-off point.
Here’s my main problem with you. You guys really gave my
generation a raw deal. I have enough problems with fending off an entitlement
mentality in my kids without you guys piling on. Back when phones were attached
to the wall and Pluto was still a planet, all our Legos were square. Nowadays,
my kids get all huffy if they can’t find the right color rear stabilizer fin
for their rebel alliance snowspeeder with the smooth sweeping curved edges and
the pivoting nose bar attachment. You know what that thing looked like in my
day, kid? A bumpy green rectangle with razor-sharp edges, that’s what. We had
to have an imagination.
You have replaced imagination with the Lego Club Magazine –
an insidious publication that comes to my house each month and turns my kids
into whiny, slobbering beggars.
You know what I could build with your amazing Legos when I was
a kid? I could build a cabin. They were basically plastic interlocking Lincoln
Logs. My kids can build a flying dragon that actually shoots round plastic fireballs
out of its mouth. How is that fair to me at all?
And don’t even get me started on Star Wars. Those movies
came out when I was still a kid, but MY kids are the ones that get all the cool
Star Wars Legos? Where were you guys on that one? My generation would have
loved Star Wars Legos. Our kids don’t appreciate them enough, because you offer
them a hundred other TV/movie/Lego combinations. We only had Star Wars and E.T.,
man. That's all we had. And we had to wear corduroy pants and thick polyester
shirts the whole time we were playing with our square, sharp, non-Star Wars
Legos. My kids’ clothes are so damned comfortable compared to ours back then,
it’s not even funny.
Sorry... I got a little sidetracked there. Where was I?
Oh, yeah. Can you both please just stick to what you do
best? One of you just make books and the other one just make toys? I’ll leave
it up to you to figure out who’s going to handle what. Thanks!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2015 Marc Schmatjen
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