I chaperoned an elementary school field trip last week consisting
of a three-day, two-night stay at a California gold rush educational camp.
This week I was going to write a brilliant essay on how to
properly chaperon a bunkhouse of fourteen fourth grade boys, but I am still in
shock, and have no useful information for you, whatsoever. The whole ordeal was
like the CIA’s sleep deprivation torture, but with poop jokes. I remain too mentally
and physically exhausted from the experience to think straight, or even sit up
straight.
The only thing I can tell you for sure is that after chili
night, there is an obvious and pressing need for someone to invent a line of
sleeping bags with odor and noise cancelling technology built into the fabric.
That is really all I know. So, since Halloween is just days
away, I will leave you with this instead:
Originally posted on
October 30, 2013
I am old enough to remember way back when Halloween was a
holiday for kids. It has now been completely hijacked by two separate adult
groups, the partiers and the worriers. The partiers use Halloween as an excuse
to dress up and go get drunk. I have been a part of this crowd, and they are a
fun people. Many women in the partier group use the Halloween costume as an excuse
to dress, let’s just say, a little more provocatively than their normal
persona.
Vampire? No. Sexy Elvira vampire? Yes.
Witch? No. Sexy bikini top-wearing witch? Yes.
The guys’ costumes can vary, but are usually pretty
low-effort. Guys are basically just there to see the sexy bikini top witch. One
year in college I went to a party as a Christmas tree. I put on a green shirt
and brown pants, wrapped myself in miniature Christmas lights, headed to the
party and plugged myself in. Since I needed to stay within three feet of an outlet,
I plugged myself in near the beer keg and offered to run it all night so I
could serve everyone and mingle from a stationary position. Looking back on
that, it’s amazing I didn’t electrocute myself.
The worriers are the parents. I am now part of this crowd,
although many times these two crowds can overlap.
“Be on your best behavior for the babysitter, kids. Mommy
and Daddy are going to a grown up costume party. Daddy is going as a cowboy and
mommy is going as a smokin’ hot zombie with cleavage.”
Halloween used to be a night where kids went out, expecting
to trade the possibility of being scared to death for the opportunity to score
some free candy, and maybe pull a few harmless pranks on the neighbors. These
days, the worriers have scrubbed this “holiday” clean of any actual fright or
mischief, and turned it instead into a three-week-long event that far more
resembles a cheery Disney parade than a foggy night ride through Sleepy Hollow.
Our job, as parents - as we now see it - is to suck all the “I can’t believe I
lived through that!” out of Halloween night and replace it with the October
equivalent of July Fourth “Safe and Sane” fireworks, which suck, plain and
simple.
As an example of how sanitized Halloween night has become,
we received this handy set of safety tips for tomorrow’s big event from our
local police department:
HALLOWEEN SAFETY
TIPS
Select a safe area for
trick-or-treating. Choose streets that
are well lighted and landscaped so you can be seen. Avoid trick-or-treating on streets you are
unfamiliar with, and try to go out before it gets dark.
Oh, boy! Let’s trick-or-treat before dark. That should be
really scary. What is your jack-o’-lantern supposed to be? I can’t tell because
it is still daytime. How come you don’t have the candy ready yet, lady? It’s
already 3:30 P.M.!
Always keep the adult
who is watching you in sight. Never go
into a stranger’s home while trick-or-treating.
Never get into a stranger’s car or go anywhere with a stranger.
Cross the street only at
intersections and crosswalks. Do not
walk out from behind parked cars or try to cross in the middle of the block.
Use the buddy
system. Parents or older brothers and
sisters should go with young children.
Older children who are going out with their friends should be given a
specific time to return home. Parents
should know who their children are with and where they are going.
Most of these helpful instructions are written as if the
kids are the ones reading them, which totally renders the whole thing useless.
If a kid is about to go out trick-or-treating from a home that doesn’t give a
rat’s hindquarters where he goes or what he does, I seriously doubt he is going
to seek out these helpful tips on safety from the local police department. And
vice-versa, if the adults need to be reminded to pay attention to where their
children are and who they are with, they’re probably not doing a lot of reading
police safety tips, unless this list was included with their bail hearing
notice.
Wait until you get
home to eat your treats. Your parents
should inspect each item carefully, looking for needles, open packages and
other signs of tampering. Do not eat
homemade items prepared by strangers.
Because this is the year we’re finally going to start seeing
all those needles and razor blades in the apples!
Costumes should be
light-colored so motorists can see them.
Use reflectorized tape to increase visibility. Costumes should not be
too long or too restrictive. Masks can
make it difficult for children to see or hear.
Consider using make-up instead of masks.
Do not carry or wear
sharp objects that may poke others or damage eyes. Objects like swords, wands, canes, etc.,
should be left at home. Do not carry toy
guns that look like real guns. A citizen
or a police officer can mistake a toy gun for a real gun.
So, our miniature soldiers and policemen will all be
unarmed? I guess they could all go as U.N. soldiers and British cops, which
would also explain the reflectorized tape. (Is reflectorized even a word? What
happened to reflective?) Our superheroes will not have capes or masks, so you
kids should just feel free to wear loose-fitting, yet properly-sized business
suits and go as Clark Kent and millionaire Bruce Wayne, instead. No ties, though,
since ties are both long and restrictive. You need to go with more of a ‘Clark
and Bruce on casual Friday at the office’ kind of thing. You want to be Harry
Potter, instead? No cloak, wand, or Nimbus 2000 for you. Have fun, kids!
Carry a flashlight to
light the way and to alert motorists of your presence. Never carry candles or any other flammable
object. Do not use candles for
decorations or displays. They can easily
be knocked down or can set fire to a nearby curtain or costume.
So, no candles in my jack-o’-lanterns? Hmm… And why are you,
as a police department, concerned about my indoor candle usage? Unless you
meant the very real possibility of setting fire to my large array of front
porch outdoor curtains with my
dangerous jack-o’-lantern candles? And I mean, come on, setting fire to a
costume? Has there ever been a safer burning candle than the jack-o’-lantern
candle, each one completely housed inside a rotting, sticky, hollowed-out
gourd? I dare you to try and burn something with that one-inch-tall candle
buried inside its protective, organic, fire-proof shroud. I double dare you.
Motorists need to be
extra careful on Halloween. Watch out
for careless children who may run into the street without looking. Expect the unexpected, and anticipate the actions
of others.
In order to decrease
vandalism and improve pedestrian safety, avoid parking cars on the street. Whenever possible, park vehicles in the
garage and light up your front yard.
Ah, the always helpful, but completely impossible “expect
the unexpected” advice. Yes, I will try that again this year. While I try that,
if you guys could please give me a list of all the unforeseen issues that might
arise, that would be great. And I should light up my front yard? Really? On
Halloween night? Why don’t we just have Halloween in June?
Have fun out there kids! Remember to wrap yourself in bubble
wrap and Styrofoam, tape yourself to your buddy using reflectorized tape, don’t
eat any candy or carry any pointy objects, stay away from any house that has
one of those dangerous candles inside a pumpkin, and get home before the sun
goes down. Enjoy!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2014 Marc Schmatjen
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