Can someone please explain to me what we’re all doing on
LinkedIn? It has been well over a year since I have worked in an actual
business office, so I’m not really sure, but is LinkedIn still viewed as the
acceptable business version of Facebook? If so, I think all you business-types
might be fooling yourselves.
It looks respectable enough, I guess. Everyone’s wearing a
business suit in their LinkedIn profile picture. On Facebook, everyone’s
wearing a bathing suit and holding a margarita, so the natural boss/minion
interactions might go something like this:
“What are you doing on your computer there, Jenkins?”
“Uh… just surfing Facebook, sir.”
“You’re fired, Jenkins. Get out.”
vs.
“What are you doing on your computer there, Jenkins?”
“I’m on LinkedIn, actively networking with current and potential
clients, sir.”
“Good job leveraging social media for a synergistic win-win,
Jenkins. Keep up the good work!”
I think Jenkins’ boss has it exactly backward. He should be
encouraging Jenkins to spend time on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram,
because then Jenkins won’t have any time to be on LinkedIn. Jenkins’ boss doesn’t
seem to understand that LinkedIn, the “World’s Largest Professional Network” is
really the world’s largest simultaneous job search. The only reason Jenkins has
a LinkedIn account is so someone at a better company than the annoying one he
works for now might offer him a job.
Of course, maybe Jenkins’ boss does understand, and he’s on
LinkedIn for the same reason. He’s sick and tired of Jenkins and his other
annoying minions, and he wants to be the boss of cooler employees at a company
with a better 401k matching program, more comfortable conference room chairs,
and coffee that doesn’t taste like crap. Don’t kid yourself.
But how trustworthy is LinkedIn as a staffing tool? Are the
member profiles (resumes) accurate? I’m here to tell you, probably not. That’s
because ever since I joined LinkedIn, people have been endorsing my skills.
Just yesterday I got an email notification congratulating me
that one of my “first-degree connections” had endorsed me for one of my skills.
The skill he endorsed: Engineering.
“Congratulations, Marc. Endorsements help show what you’re
great at.”
Well, that may be true, or it may be a load of crap. In this
case, it was a load of crap. I’m not saying I don’t have any engineering
skills. I have one or two. What I’m saying is that I went to high school with
this guy. I have literally not seen him since then. We have not kept in touch
at all. And as far as I can remember, I was a crappy excuse for a professional
engineer when I was in high school. Yet, here on this professional business
networking site, he announced to the free world that I am great at engineering.
How the hell would he know?
He might as well have endorsed my skills as a submarine
driver, or a catapult operator. “No one hurls pots of hot flaming oil over the
castle walls like Marc Schmatjen. He’s simply the best flaming oil catapult
operator I’ve ever worked with. And don’t even get me started on his mad skills
with a trebuchet!”
Our moms know each other, so maybe my mom was bragging to
his mom over coffee about what a spectacular engineer I used to be, and how
woeful she is about my new career choice as a writer, and how worried she is
that her grandkids will starve. Somehow, word got back to him from his mom that
I used to be a great engineer, and I’m in need of some encouragement. Who
knows?
If that’s the case, then basically his endorsement amounts
to, “His mom thinks he’s good at this.”
Think about that next time you’re browsing for your next
sales professional.
The brain trust at LinkedIn seems to be trying to make it
more of a “networking and bonding” site, so they’re adding fun stuff like links
to business articles and seminars. Wow. Way to really pump up the old excitement
factor there, LinkedIn.
They also gave birth to a fun way to keep us all engaged.
Every month I get an email like this: “Congratulate Bob on his work
anniversary! Bob has been with Ferguson’s Widget Factory twelve years this
October. Say happy work anniversary!”
Why? Why would I do that to Bob? No one wants to be reminded
of how long they’ve been at their dead-end job, especially not Bob, the widget
factory middle manager.
Are you really trying to make it more of a social networking
site, guys? Here’s a tip… No one bonds over case studies or articles on market
share. And since it’s a giant job search in the first place, no one puts anything
fun in their profile. Here’s an example of a LinkedIn profile description:
Results-oriented business
development guru with over 25 years of experience implementing leading edge
concepts and strategic sales and marketing initiatives, improving brand
positioning, increasing revenue, capturing market share, expanding customer
base, and thinking win-win outside the box.
No one is bonding and “networking” over that crap. It was
written in hopes of getting a better job, and only it only gets read when looking
for someone to fill that better job. Do you know what it should say? “I once
ate seventeen hotdogs in one sitting, I think the designated hitter rule should
be outlawed, and I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.”
“Now, that’s a guy who would be fun at the company picnic. Hire
him. We’ll teach him how to sell our widgets.”
Do you really want to network and bond with people? Go to
Facebook. People bond over sports victories, pictures of food and alcohol, and
videos of people getting hit in the nuts. Plain and simple. It may not be
right, but that’s how it is.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go log back on to
LinkedIn and update my profile. In addition to submarine driver and catapult
operator, I’m going to add “Money Manager” as one of my skills. If enough
people testify to how great I am at it, maybe people will start sending me
their money.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2014 Marc Schmatjen
No comments:
Post a Comment